Jesus H. Christ

QUICK !!! What do Mel Gibson, Max Lucado, Santa Claus, Warner Brothers, and a train conductor have in common??? Read David Sarno in Slate. Big Hint — Faith-based marketing through Him all things are profitable. It’s enough to make anybody become a Christian, ain’t it? I mean, damn… there’s a shitload of money in knowing Jesus. As our friends over to HomeWord put it:

We believe in the resurrection of both the saved and the lost: they that are saved unto the resurrection of life, and they that are lost unto the resurrection of damnation.

… and all the BIG BUCKS that I — Jim Burns– can rake in by creating a juxtaposition of the incongruous and calling it spiritual (I mean the money WE, not me personally because that would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I mean wouldn’t it be immoral, unethical, a SIN perhaps to profit off of the Lord’s name? I mean, surely Mel Gibson MUST have donated ALL the millions he made off Jesus to some charity and not kept it for himself, right?? right???) But then again, we here at HomeWorld are the only true believers — the ones who will not rot in hell and suffer from the flames of eternal damnation because we have been washed in the blood of the lamb — WE can make money through our shamelss pandering — our Spiritual Merchandization of a Secular Product otherwise known as CGI or as a computer animated feature length film adaptation of a book about the NORTH POLE and SANTA CLAUS, (or, as we like to tell our Trailer Park Ministry, it’s a Jesus and the DonkeyBoy Meet CGI Santa and Rudolph the BadAss in a TagTeam Smack Down– Live at The Sisters of I Will Arise Open Door Red Roof of God and All That Is Holy Church at Fifth and Main Street, Live Live LIVE THIS SATURDAY NIGHT ) ** Oh wait… duh… stupid stupid stupid… This is the way Jim Burns, Max Lucado, Mel Gibson, Pick-A-Preacher, can work Santa Claus into the Christmas story. Oh duh! Genius marketing strategy. And here I thought it was just the weirdo’s who didn’t know shit from shine-ola who put Frosty, Rudolph, and Santa by their light-up plastic Nativity Figurines. Santa Claus REALLY does belong there. Last night, on the way home from Greenville, NC, I saw Mary and Joseph, all lit up with a 100 watt bulb up their little plastic asses, sitting on someone’s porch swing. Nice touch, I thought to myself. But, then I drove by a house with a 3 ft high donkey, 2 ft Joseph and Mary, and life-size pilgrims standing behind them. So, for next year — I challenge Mad Max and his minions to figure how to slap the pilgrims into the Christmas story — perhaps the Magi brought a fried turkey to the Christchild? Remember, Motive Movie Marketing for your next spiritual million dollar need:

MOTIVE’s central business premise is that the same “Faith and Family” market that has been voraciously consuming faith-based and family-friendly books, music, TV and radio will likewise consume high quality faith-based and family-friendly films. We believe the film/video product category is ripe for explosive growth within this market, mirroring the Christian music industry, which recently grew from a music “alternative” to a booming industry supported by recording companies, radio stations, music tours, and more than $1 billion in annual sales. The Faith and Family Market is a potential goldmine for films that can satisfy its demand for high quality entertainment and high moral values.

God Bless America. Jesus is a goldmine. In God we trust, all others pay cash (Visa, MasterCard, and Discover also accepted)