WordWench

Spencer’s Journal
June 26,2006

Notes for the Terdman funeral. The eulogy to be given by yours truly.
The Terdman estate — Where the Interstate of Life runs through the yard and the house faces in the wrong direction.

The Players:
Ruth Terdman: She is the matriarch of generations of Terds, faced with the challenge of the ages: keeping the family secret and still getting the wash springtime clean.

Anastasia Terdman Ricochet: First child born to Ruth, a haunting beauty, destined to walk alone through the halls of Cringe Manor wailing for her lost chihuahua that was her only companion the first 16 years of her life. Her death came suddenly last week when the gardener mistook her for a oleander bush and cut off her head.

Liturgia Terdman Quip: Ruth’s second daughter, a divinity student at Saccharin State College, she married Prospect Praline Quip her sophomore year. A tragic accident, shortly after the birth of her second child, has rendered her legs useless. Her silent vigil at Cringe Manor is spent hanging out a parapet window, quietly calling to passers-by to help her find her left shoe.

Useless T. Terdman: Ruth’s half-brother and true heir to the Terdman fortune. He is kept at Cringe Manor in the oyster shucking room, allowed outside only on Thursday to feed his iguana.  Only the fear of exposure keeps him at the manor and under Ruth’s unwieldy thumb.

Japonica Quip Charleston: The eldest Quip daughter, her clever mind and razor-sharp tongue have made her the most sought after socialite on the eastern coast. Her marriage to Tradd Charleston ended in disaster when he was discovered feeding the iguana on a Saturday.

Tawdry Quip: Liturgia’s youngest daughter, an ethereal beauty who crimps her hair each morning with a waffle iron. Her reckless abandon, her wanton disregard for material objects, causes her to wander the halls of Cringe Manor forever knocking the family portraits off-kilter.

Glib Ricochet: Anastasia’s bastard son, born after a full moon, he alone carries the family secret with Ruth. His dimunitive height is but a shadow of the Lilliputian mystery constipating his heart.  He is the only Terdman who holds a job in the nearby town of Stump Corners, where he owns the town’s only Toastatorium.

Delirium Tremens and Melon Cholea Ricochet: The twin sons of Anastasia, born four years apart, they have never been separated.  Used by family members as substitutes for compassion, these sibilant youngsters can be heard hissing through Cringe Manor at all hours of the night. They incessantly search for a plumber’s friend and find only an electrician’s confrere.

Staunch Citadel Quip: Married to Tawdry for over thirteen years, he has wormed his way into Ruth’s heart and the Terdman fortune. A master of geoponics, his greenhouse is the pride of Stump Corners.